Death and Fear

Death and Fear…

I’m afraid of heights. I also don’t like flying. I don’t like big crowds and speaking in front of a group of people terrifies me. Funny how things that are simple and basic to some people make other peoples knees turn to jelly.

I don’t know where a lot of these fears came from. Some of them have just developed over the years. Some fears we have always harbored. I have always been afraid of death. I never even wanted to think about it until the last few years. It’s a subject that most of us definitely want to avoid. I think sometimes we feel like if we talk about it, it might jinx us and we will end up on the “mortar board” at some funeral home before the days out. Also, it’s a pretty depressing subject to broach. Nobody wants to be depressed, so nobody talks about it. I can’t remember the first time I thought about it, and was scared. I think it was when I was about four years old. Really, it’s true. As a little kid when I should have been thinking about playing cowboys and Indians, I was mulling over the great unknown. It’s been a bummer over the years.

Lately, I have come to the conclusion that by talking about death maybe we can make it less scary. I am not as afraid of it as I used to be. It’s not the little kid fear of going to hell and burning up in a blazing fire type fear anymore. It’s more of just an apprehension of something unknown. It’s a disappointment that I might not be around to see my loved ones complete most of their journey that they have started. It’s the conversations and contact with my family and friends that I don’t want to give up. The touches and looks of people you love, and who love you. Most of all, it turns out that it’s a selfish thing. Imagine that. I have so many selfish reasons for living that I don’t want to die and give them all up.

I don’t want to give up the beautiful sunny days like the one we had this past week. I don’t want to give up the good books that I enjoy reading every day. I don’t want to give up the glorious music I listen to every night.

But, it’s not what we want that we get is it?

There are so many theories and theological thesis about what happens to us after we die. It’s hard to pin one down and stick with it. One thing that I can assure you though is that it will be different from any of them. I don’t think that man has been given the knowledge, through any type of religion or science of what really happens. I am a Christian and believe he lived, but some people may not be the same as me. It may be that we just have peace. Peace would be nice; I’ll take that over some of what I’ve heard over the years.

I’ve seen a lot of people going through unbelievable suffering, or who no longer know who or what they are who would take peace too. There was a little old lady who was “rooming” next to my Mother at the nursing home a couple of years ago who was there one day and gone the next. She was in bad shape. She was ready for a rest, and she got it. I think if you could have broken through the wall of her senility she would have told you she was. A lot of times people outlive the desire to live, and when they do that, they are ready for peace. I am sure she wasn’t scared of it. Maybe welcomed it.

As long as we have the desire, then we should “keep on truckin’” as we used to say back in the 70’s. It’s when we lose the desire, due to things that are happening to us physically, that it becomes a hardship to keep on keeping on.

So, I guess as my perspective has changed from that little shivering four year old kid, who shouldn’t have even known what death was, to the more knowledgeable but equally unknowing 61 year old that I am now am. I still have my desire to live and hope that I keep it for a long, long time to come. I hope all of you do also. But, when we are ready for peace, I hope we find it and that it turns out to be better than we ever imagined.

Emotional Overflow

Time…once so seemingly plentiful now comes at a premium. I have wasted so much of it doing inane and unimportant things that I hope God can forgive me. I have tried to use it wisely, but I am simply a child in an adult’s body, and things don’t always turn out right. Who’s to say what’s a waste and what ain’t anyway! I think my forgiveness need be for things I have thought…which barely took up any time, and not for what I haven’t done. Those folks who seem to have accomplished so much, with their fame and their fortune…they only have so much in the way of time too. And it can’t be bought now can it? Only “watched” and then sometimes too closely.

I dreamt last night that I had died. Those are always strange dreams anyway, but this one was exceedingly bizarre, being as I also still seemed to be mulling about the house at the same time. I was checking in on everyone to see how they were feeling. Odd. Dead, yet still worried about how everyone else was doing.

It does give me pause that my mind would send me down that path in the few hours per night which I sleep. It’s not fair to have your “little death” imposed upon by dreams of the big one. Nevertheless, I seemed non the worse for my demise, except for the lack of communication with those still left in the world of the living. And I did thankfully wake up this morning. Really odd what a person dreams….

I see from that dream that the world will go on without me, not missing a beat. Songs will still be written and sung, and the beautiful orange sunrises and sunsets will continue. The birds will still fly, and the rain will come down upon both the good and the evil. Scrumptious meals will be cooked, served and eaten. Good books will be read by lucky readers. People will still work too hard, play too little, and stress too much about things which will mean absolutely nothing in the end.

All which really matters is the legacy of love you leave behind, and you build that remembrance IF you deserve it, in the hearts of those who have known you, by being there for them.

It’s all sort of left me “melancholy baby…” though.

I hope I dream about something different tonight.

The Five Senses

They say we have five senses….you all know them. Sight, smell, hearing, taste, touch.

Many experts will tell you we have many more.

Proprioception, time perception…is another, and some “experts” feel we have up to 50 or more senses. And yet, even if we have that many I feel we still do not, cannot perceive even a fraction of all which is going on around us…in us.

We perceive things as solid, when they most certainly cannot be solid, since they are comprised of atoms, which all of us learned in Science class are constantly in motion. How are atoms which are in motion can be perceived as solid could be due to a human sense which causes the atoms which are in motion to cease moving only when we look at them and have the expectation in our mind that a solid piece of wood or cement will be there instead of a bunch of whirling disjointed atoms.

Think I’m crazy yet?

And what about the things which occupy the space around us, which we consider empty. Would it surprise to learn that some folks consider ever space in the Universe occupied by something. A matrix? That idea is much, much older than the Keanu Reeves movies.

I wonder how many more colors there are in the color spectrum we cannot perceive, how many more sounds and vibrations are there which we cannot hear, smells that elude us, subtle tastes we cannot discern, touches from Angels which we cannot feel but which protect us from harm. When we look in the starry night sky, how beautiful it is…but how much beautiful could it be? I took a picture last night of the stars…straight up above my head. When first I looked, there were the stars that had been visible. For kicks I started “expanding” the photo as one is able to with an iPhone until the entire screen was solid with the tiny red specs if stars I had not been able to perceive, but which were there in my moment of conscious ability to see them.

My Grandma once told me to be careful what I said or did, because God was watching me.

I believe she was right…the creator is right here in this same room…I just can’t believe enough, I just don’t have enough faith right now to see him, but I think one day I will, we will, certainly be able to.