Lately…..

My dreams have been troubled over the past few weeks.  Dark dreams.  Apocryphal dreams.  Ones that I don’t like to talk about in detail, much less write down.

I know that dreams are just that.  I don’t understand what motivates the human mind to create them.  I wonder if it’s an aging process which is taking place within my brain.  I understand and remember from watching my Grandfather and my Parents as they got older, that the mind can go completely away sometimes, or it can become diseased and make a person think things which are not true, are true.  I also know that my Grandmother kept a very sound mind for almost all of her 100 years.  I’d like to think that maybe my genetic makeup is more like hers.  But then, there are those dreams.

Everything in them is gray.  Colorless.  In one of them, I remember wandering the landscape around Trion, looking for something, someone.  The buzzards were circling overhead.  I don’t remember what I was searching for, but I was alone and frantic.  I walked every street in Town, and became more anxious as I walked.  The buzzards that were circling, started to dive…. and then a huge group of cawing crows swooped in as if protecting me and drove the buzzards off.  I woke up then. The crows are always my protectors.

In some of my other dreams I have been with only people who have passed on.  I remember one of them telling me that “these grounds we live on are not  of our blood and bones, but of the blood and bones of others” and then vanished to leave me alone in the gray cold of a rainy sunset. That made me wonder.  It seems many of the most peaceful lands are those where the native peoples have inhabited that area for centuries or even millennia.  In the countries where the people really care about taking care of the natural world around them, and of the Earth, it seems they are substantially happier than we are here in America.  Countries like Scandinavia.

At times I wonder if the situation in the world today is the thing which is driving my nightmares.  I worry about the future and the lack of sunshine and happiness for my children, grandchildren and their progeny.  I think about it often.  I know a lot of people who have given me the advice to believe in God, and know that he has everything “under control”  I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that. We control our own destiny, given to us after our creation.  It’s enough that we were given life, and the freedom to control it.  We must not think we are puppets on a string being guided through everything.  If God has a plan, it’s to leave us be to test our resolve to survive and to become children of the light…or fall into the dark abyss of despair.   Would he then rescue us?  Time may tell.

I have had an overwhelming sense over the past few days, I’d almost call it a premonition, of something which is lacking.  It’s something in history which should have been done at some point between my birth in 1950 and some time in the past year.  That particular thing….whatever it is, would have prevented the world as it is now from falling into the gray, cold and dreary world that I have been dreaming about.  I’m not sure if it’s a thing that I was supposed to do, or if someone else was supposed to do this thing, and didn’t get it done for some reason.  But, I know definitely that the world is not the same now.  It’s darker, it’s more gray and colorless.  The spirit of the world is not the same as it was when I was a child. The brightness and newness is missing.  Again though, maybe it’s all just me and my advanced body. I need to ask some children their opinions and see what they say.  Could be they are a whole lot more optimistic.

Yes, it’s probably because I’m getting old.  I’ve got a lot fewer years in front of me then I have behind me.  That, in and of itself is a bummer.  But, to feel like there was something I should have done, could have done that I didn’t get done…well, it’s an unfathomable thought.

I hope my dreams start to swing with a pendulum of hopefulness back to the positive side.  I pray they do.  But, I’ll keep on tracking what I dream and if anything specific and important crops up, I’ll be sure and let everyone know.  Stay safe and be nice to the crows.