Can We Change?

If you want to change, you must change yourself. No one can do it for you. I have often wondered if I had the resolve to change. I think I do. I think I have already changed in some ways.

I know it seems counter intuitive, but I feel that only with age have I found the wisdom to change…to know what part of me is lacking. I am by no means complete. There is so much which still needs work.

I appreciate life more, but I’m still grumpy some days. I cherish time greatly, yet I still waste it. I feel more tenderness and love for my family, but don’t verbalize it properly.

I help other people more, but my want exceeds my capability now, where perhaps in the past I could have done better. If only I had been wiser at a younger age. The things I might have done haunt me more than the things I did.

I look at the calendar, and hear the clock ticking and calculate the time since the day I was born. I think to myself “you need to hurry,” but for the life of me I cannot think of why. I wonder if I am the only one who feels this way, or is it all of us?

I know I should be satisfied with the day, and live in the present. For all I can puzzle out, it IS all we have. But does it have to be all we hope?

I can change.

We can change. I believe we all can change for the better, because we need to. Because we must in order to make a future where we can walk in the sunshine and breathe the air.

Beginning Anew

Everyone knows how hectic the last few weeks and months have been. There’s been a lot going on with in my personal life this past year, as some of you may know.

There’s certainly a lot going on in our country and our world, as all of us should know.

As I begin to take a look at all things, I am finding of course that I refer more to the past than the future. I guess it’s because unless I live to 112 years old (which is possible, but not likely) I am already well into the last 1/3 of my life. I look back more than I look forward.

The present seems to pass by way, way to quickly into that past. Days are blurred. I can’t remember what the date is a lot of times. I guess it really doesn’t matter though. I feel like life is marked by events, not by dates. When I remember things, both good and bad, I usually don’t remember them “by date” but more by what was happening.

I couldn’t tell you exactly what the date was when the U.S. cleared out of Viet Nam. But all the images are burned into my image.

I don’t remember what day it was when my oldest son nearly got his arm torn off in a machine at work, but I can damn well tell you I remember coming into the office where he was sitting, before the ambulance even got there, and seeing the bones sticking up out of his arm, and hollering and screaming at their “first responders” to cover it up with sterile gauze.

I don’t remember which Christmas it was that my daughter marched out of her bedroom, sat down at her brand new little table and chairs that Santa had brought her (without even noticing they were there!) and demanded in her stentorian voice: “I want my Breakfast!”

I can’t remember the date my youngest son fell off the horse he was riding out in Idaho at Paula’s cousin’s house, but I was so scared he was going to break his neck I couldn’t even yell.

I just don’t know that dates are all that important. Its life that happens and what happens that matters.

I am joyous and hopeful for my children and grandchildren and for my younger friends. I wish for them all the possibilities and opportunities which I have had and more. I wish for them more success than I have had in many areas. I wish them fewer struggles with tough problems.

When I was young, I thought for sure I would grow up and be a singer, or a writer. I even entertained the thought of teaching. But, it didn’t happen.

I am what I am. (With apologies to Popeye the Sailor man) Life turned me this way. I am giving up on being a movie star, pop singer, best selling author, and millionaire financier. I am going to just continue to be me, and hope that it’s enough.

I think maybe that if I can do that, then I will realize how lucky I have really been.

I Guess I will be thinking that over this year when I watch ol’ Jimmy Stewart running down the streets of Bedford Falls!!

Lately…..

 

My dreams have been troubled over the past few weeks.  Dark dreams.  Apocryphal dreams.  Ones that I don’t like to talk about in detail, much less write down.

I know that dreams are just that.  I don’t understand what motivates the human mind to create them.  I wonder if it’s an aging process which is taking place within my brain.  I understand and remember from watching my Grandfather and my Parents as they got older, that the mind can go completely away sometimes, or it can become diseased and make a person think things which are not true, are true.  I also know that my Grandmother kept a very sound mind for almost all of her 100 years.  I’d like to think that maybe my genetic makeup is more like hers.  But then, there are those dreams.

Everything in them is gray.  Colorless.  In one of them, I remember wandering the landscape around Trion, looking for something, someone.  The buzzards were circling overhead.  I don’t remember what I was searching for, but I was alone and frantic.  I walked every street in Town, and became more anxious as I walked.  The buzzards that were circling, started to dive…. and then a huge group of cawing crows swooped in as if protecting me and drove the buzzards off.  I woke up then. The crows are always my protectors.

In some of my other dreams I have been with only people who have passed on.  I remember one of them telling me that “these grounds we live on are not  of our blood and bones, but of the blood and bones of others” and then vanished to leave me alone in the gray cold of a rainy sunset. That made me wonder.  It seems many of the most peaceful lands are those where the native peoples have inhabited that area for centuries or even millennia.  In the countries where the people really care about taking care of the natural world around them, and of the Earth, it seems they are substantially happier than we are here in America.  Countries like Scandinavia.

At times I wonder if the situation in the world today is the thing which is driving my nightmares.  I worry about the future and the lack of sunshine and happiness for my children, grandchildren and their progeny.  I think about it often.  I know a lot of people who have given me the advice to believe in God, and know that he has everything “under control”  I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that. We control our own destiny, given to us after our creation.  It’s enough that we were given life, and the freedom to control it.  We must not think we are puppets on a string being guided through everything.  If God has a plan, it’s to leave us be to test our resolve to survive and to become children of the light…or fall into the dark abyss of despair.   Would he then rescue us?  Time may tell.

I have had an overwhelming sense over the past few days, I’d almost call it a premonition, of something which is lacking.  It’s something in history which should have been done at some point between my birth in 1950 and some time in the past year.  That particular thing….whatever it is, would have prevented the world as it is now from falling into the gray, cold and dreary world that I have been dreaming about.  I’m not sure if it’s a thing that I was supposed to do, or if someone else was supposed to do this thing, and didn’t get it done for some reason.  But, I know definitely that the world is not the same now.  It’s darker, it’s more gray and colorless.  The spirit of the world is not the same as it was when I was a child. The brightness and newness is missing.  Again though, maybe it’s all just me and my advanced body. I need to ask some children their opinions and see what they say.  Could be they are a whole lot more optimistic.

Yes, it’s probably because I’m getting old.  I’ve got a lot fewer years in front of me then I have behind me.  That, in and of itself is a bummer.  But, to feel like there was something I should have done, could have done that I didn’t get done…well, it’s an unfathomable thought.

I hope my dreams start to swing with a pendulum of hopefulness back to the positive side.  I pray they do.  But, I’ll keep on tracking what I dream and if anything specific and important crops up, I’ll be sure and let everyone know.  Stay safe and be nice to the crows.