Being Relevant

I guess there comes a time in life when you realize you are becoming irrelevant. I think at some point during the space between my 60th year and my 61st year it has begun to happen to me. I dream almost every night of working…some job, and yet I don’t know whether I could physically do one if I could get one. That’s a feeling of inadequacy and uselessness I haven’t felt for 40 years. Things I used to look forward to have receded somewhat into the distance. Enjoyement of past activities are slightly beyond reach, just at my fingertips. I really think when they split you open and your body is operated by a machine for about an hour…something goes out of you. I talked with a couple of guys today who had the same thing done, and they both feel the same way about it. Did I die, and lose part of my soul….part of my will? Sometimes it feels like it. A lot of days I come off as being in a fog, or a funk. Who likes that? I see a lot of guys at my age still able to run marathons and play sports. Well, since I couldn’t run a marathon even before last year, I guess THAT’S irrelevant too. But..I could do a lot of things then which I can’t do now. I’m not old though. I’m not losing my mind, and I’m going to make sure that THIS year between my 61st year and 62nd year I prove that to myself. I am not quite ready for my elegy yet.

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