If you want to change, you must change yourself. No one can do it for you. I have often wondered if I had the resolve to change. I think I do. I think I have already changed in some ways.

I know it seems counter intuitive, but I feel that only with age have I found the wisdom to change…to know what part of me is lacking. I am by no means complete. There is so much which still needs work.

I appreciate life more, but I’m still grumpy some days. I cherish time greatly, yet I still waste it. I feel more tenderness and love for my family, but don’t verbalize it properly.

I help other people more, but my want exceeds my capability now, where perhaps in the past I could have done better. If only I had been wiser at a younger age. The things I might have done haunt me more than the things I did.

I look at the calendar, and hear the clock ticking and calculate the time since the day I was born. I think to myself “you need to hurry,” but for the life of me I cannot think of why. I wonder if I am the only one who feels this way, or is it all of us?

I know I should be satisfied with the day, and live in the present. For all I can puzzle out, it IS all we have. But does it have to be all we hope?

I can change.

We can change. I believe we all can change for the better, because we need to. Because we must in order to make a future where we can walk in the sunshine and breathe the air.

Old life

Everyone knows how hectic the last few weeks and months have been. There’s been a lot going on with in my personal life this past year, as some of you may know.

There’s certainly a lot going on in our country and our world, as all of us should know.

As I begin to take a look at all things, I am finding of course that I refer more to the past than the future. I guess it’s because unless I live to 112 years old (which is possible, but not likely) I am already well into the last 1/3 of my life. I look back more than I look forward.

The present seems to pass by way, way to quickly into that past. Days are blurred. I can’t remember what the date is a lot of times. I guess it really doesn’t matter though. I feel like life is marked by events, not by dates. When I remember things, both good and bad, I usually don’t remember them “by date” but more by what was happening.

I couldn’t tell you exactly what the date was when the U.S. cleared out of Viet Nam. But all the images are burned into my image.

I don’t remember what day it was when my oldest son nearly got his arm torn off in a machine at work, but I can damn well tell you I remember coming into the office where he was sitting, before the ambulance even got there, and seeing the bones sticking up out of his arm, and hollering and screaming at their “first responders” to cover it up with sterile gauze.

I don’t remember which Christmas it was that my daughter marched out of her bedroom, sat down at her brand new little table and chairs that Santa had brought her (without even noticing they were there!) and demanded in her stentorian voice: “I want my Breakfast!”

I can’t remember the date my youngest son fell off the horse he was riding out in Idaho at Paula’s cousin’s house, but I was so scared he was going to break his neck I couldn’t even yell.

I just don’t know that dates are all that important. Its life that happens and what happens that matters.

I am joyous and hopeful for my children and grandchildren and for my younger friends. I wish for them all the possibilities and opportunities which I have had and more. I wish for them more success than I have had in many areas. I wish them fewer struggles with tough problems.

When I was young, I thought for sure I would grow up and be a singer, or a writer. I even entertained the thought of teaching. But, it didn’t happen.

I am what I am. (With apologies to Popeye the Sailor man) Life turned me this way. I am giving up on being a movie star, pop singer, best selling author, and millionaire financier. I am going to just continue to be me, and hope that it’s enough.

I think maybe that if I can do that, then I will realize how lucky I have really been.

I Guess I will be thinking that over this year when I watch ol’ Jimmy Stewart running down the streets of Bedford Falls!!