Writing for Sanity's Sake

The baby whisper wind that blew through the early morning air at Trade day this morning reminded me that fall is coming. One more time, fall is coming. Change is in the air.

People were bringing in Halloween doodads to sell. Pumpkins and scarecrows, fall leaves and the horn of plenty. Everything had a hue of orange and yellow mixed with a little brown. Fall colors. It’s not too early to use them, because those holidays get here and pass by as fast as a New York subway headed to Harlem in a New York minute.

Halloween screams by you, then Thanksgiving flies through like a Turkey, almost ignored in the anticipation of “Black Friday” and what I now call “the spending season” known to some as Christmas. (And Hanukah, and Kwanza too!) Then slipping right on in behind those quickly passing holidays, on tip toes in new cotton socks comes New Years. 2015 this go round.

The birthday fairy comes for me in October, and I will be seeing my 64th fall. Although I can’t remember the first few, since I have been able to remember, I have found it’s my favorite season and the most beautiful time of the year. I’ve had the privilege of living through some amazing autumns. I’ve had the luck of living in the best of times.

The first frosts will probably fall in October. That’s usually the case here in Georgia. I can’t wait for that first heavy one, and to be able to go outside and take deep breaths of that apple crispy air. Can’t wait for someone to fire up their fireplace somewhere nearby so I can smell the wood fire burning. The mosquitoes and ants will go bye-bye, the snakes will hibernate, and I can take a walk out in the woods somewhere without slathering myself in bug gunk and being scared of stepping on a rattlesnake. I’d really like to walk a little on that Pinhoti trail this year.

A person never knows when one of these glorious Autumn days will roll around and others will be enjoying it, but you won’t. The uncertainty of life being ever present, tempers our anticipation of seasons to come. So, the best thing we do is to enjoy the baby whisper breezes as they come. And so I’ll leave you with the lyrics to my favorite Fall song by the great Johnny Mercer:

The falling leaves

Drift by my window

The autumn leaves

Of red and gold

I see your lips

The summer kisses

The sunburned hands

I used to hold

Since you went away

The days grow long

And soon I’ll hear

Old winter’s song

But I miss you most of all

My darling

When autumn leaves

Start to fall

My Grandmother Laura (Locklear) Bowers, never had a sunburn in all of her life. At least that is what she told me. I have no reason to doubt her word either. I remember as a child seeing Granny in the summertime turn a dark, dark brown. “It’s the Indian blood” she would say.

She told me of her childhood, and how she had been put out into the cotton fields as a child with a burlap sack and told to pick cotton. And so she did, all the day long. It was not something which was out of the ordinary in the early 1900’s for a child to work those long days in the sun. In the aftermath of the Civil war, “The Reconstruction” had left the South broken and divided. Families had to “do the best they could do” said Granny, in order to get by.

So from that childhood of hard work in the field, and “never getting a sunburn” she went to an early marriage to a man who was old enough to be her Father. A man who was actually a friend of her Father’s. There was only three years difference in my Grandfather Bowers and my Great Grandfather Locklear. My Grandmother was 23 years younger.

She married young and had a lot of children.

My Grandfather had lost most of his first family and obviously was a man who believed in having children. Granny had 19 children. Many of them died in childbirth or as infants. Eight of them lived to see adulthood. Those years were in the deep center of the Great Depression. My Dad was born in 1928. Dirt poor in a mill town. All the kids started to work as children in the mill. All the money was needed to buy food and a few clothes. “Living hand to mouth” I remember Granny saying.

I don’t remember my Grandpa Bowers, as he died in 1952 and I was only two years old. I had been living with my Mother’s family for those first two years in Blue Ridge and probably didn’t have much time with my Grandfather. I have never seen a photo of my Grandfather and me at the same time. I don’t know if one exists or not. I have a number of them with my Granny and me in the same photo. In a lot of them, there was some kind of work going on. Cooking, washing clothes, hanging clothes, gardening. Work to be done, and not much time for play.

Granny married again sometime in the late 50’s. A Kansas man named Arthur Knox. I remember much more of him than I can go into right now. He was good to Grandma. He died in 1964 and she was alone again. Much of her life after that revolved around where she was going to stay, which child she was going to live with, where to go. She went from place to place, staying for the longest time with my oldest Aunt, Addie.

She always seemed to be there for all the important things. High School graduations, weddings, funerals. She lived a hard life and died at age 92 back in 1988. I had been married for almost 20 years by then and had three children. My wife and I were busy raising our little ones.

I know I speak often and tenderly of my other Grandparents. My Mom’s folks. But Granny Bowers played a big part in my childhood. I was out at the old Trion cemetery the other day and thought about her, and her favorite meal of pinto beans, taters and cornbread. I think I must have inherited her tastes because it’s also my favorite. You can’t beat simplicity. I believe Granny lived that philosophy.

The newscaster made the comment this week about a “world in crisis” with all the wars, disease, killings and just generally depressing things going on around the earth. Some are looking for the second coming, while others are stockpiling for the coming breakdown of society, and the anarchy which will follow.

The things which are happening on a global scale, I have no power to change. The only change I can accomplish is on a one to one basis. I do what I can for those whom I can do for. I don’t post it on Facebook, unless it involves having to use that medium to accomplish what needs to be done. I have given more this year than any year in my life. I hope to do more next year. In most cases the things are small in and of themselves, but bring hope to another human being. That is, in my opinion, the only way we can change the world.

Politicians can’t do it. They all lie like dogs. They put on political ads with other people’s money trying to see which one can top the other for the biggest misleading spot of the campaign. We can’t depend on hardly any of them.

The super rich people, the billionaires, they aren’t going to do it. Most of them want to keep every red cent they can get their hands on, and even the ones who do give away a lot of money have their own “pet” causes they support. If a hungry man wrote them a letter asking for money for groceries, chances are they’d never see it. Some aide, or assistant would waylay it.

Most Churches ain’t going to do it. Got a letter today saying as to how a church needed a LARGE amount of money to renovate the building. It was an amount that’s big enough to buy many a homeless person a meal, or an old person their medicine. I’ll send these folks some money though.

Most of this stuff doesn’t give people hope. Seeing that another person cares about you as a human being is what will do it. Treating the least of your fellow humans as equals will do it. Ask them to do the same when they are able, and most will.

I’ve got to believe that the coming generation of humans are going to be able to find a way to live together in peace. One day in the not too distant future they will figure out that killing each other for the petty, insignificant things we are doing it for now is not productive. They are going to wonder why their forefathers ever argued over if they should care for the old and sick, or whether or not to feed and house needy people. It’s a no brainer really. The coming generation is going to be a lot smarter than we are now.

That’s my hope, and if you are at all human, it should be your hope too.

I read where Armstrong’s Barbecue restaurant had closed, and was sad.

As a young man returning to Trion in 1974, and trying to make ends meet on a very tight budget, Armstrong’s was one of the few places that Paula and I, and our little family, could afford to occasionally visit. They served a great meal for a very reasonable price.

As our family grew, on through the eighties and into the nineties, we continued to go regularly, once a week and either eat in, or get take out…depending on how things were shaping up. I stood at that outside “take out” window for many a night, and with ten or twelve dollars I could feed my family. I remember Mr. J.D., but mostly Johnny and Linda running the place. They put long hours and a lot of sweat and blood into that business.

I never got tired of that wonderful Barbecue sauce…never.

As the nineties came to an end, and our family grew up and became different family units, we kind of just quit going to Armstrong’s, except very occasionally. Their food was still good, but we seemed to always be going in different directions, finding it hard to all come together at one time in one place for a meal.

I think the last time I ate there was sometime around 2003 or so, and I think it was me and Dad and Ted. I can’t remember for sure, but I have this mental image of us sitting back in their “new” room together. I could be wrong.

Wish I’d had a way to take some photos back in those old days there. Things come and go…and even good things slip away with time. I guess that goes for people, memories and Barbecue restaurants too.

Money….the source of it in our country, who controls it and how, has brought low the highest in power, and elevated to power the lowest in morality.  It has been this way for hundreds of years, but has been controlled more so in this country since around 1913. 

As you have seen, even since the financial crisis of 2008, who has been served by the laws and policies which were enacted? The people who were in debt, or their creditors? The common man, or the banks and stock sellers?  

Everything is out of the control of the people, because the people cannot even vote for the ones who control the money. They are appointees!  

In America, very few rise up above the rigged system to become rich. Most spend their live working for the man, and paying through the nose for the things they need the most. Not the automobiles or the TV’s! The health care, the drugs which are needed to live, the dental care. All are needed to sustain life, and can be withheld as kind of a “blackmail”

Think about it the next time you consider who controls the money, and what they want you to have. If bread and circuses will do (pizza and football) then America will remain what they want. 

What If

What if, instead of the Universe being “full” of life on those Earth like planets they keep discovering, Earth is the only planet in the Universe with life. I understand the odds may be against it, but….what if?

What if, our race…..the human race, is the only form of life capable of reaching out and populating a vast, unmeasurable, infinite and empty wasteland of galaxy after galaxy?

Will we be able to do it, or will we squander the only chance to bring life, sacred and solitary life, to everywhere, because we cannot stand each other? That’s right, we cannot stand each other.

Any and every group which differs in any manner from another group, wants to destroy each other. That’s not hyperbole, its fact. Just look around you, listen, read and watch, then you will know.

The most holy and important mission of humanity may very well die on a radiation contaminated globe, populated only by cockroaches and crows, because of the inbred pettiness of it’s primary inhabitants.

That would be beyond shameful. It would be a tragedy of unimaginable consequence.

Death and Fear…

I’m afraid of heights. I also don’t like flying. I don’t like big crowds and speaking in front of a group of people terrifies me. Funny how things that are simple and basic to some people make other peoples knees turn to jelly.

I don’t know where a lot of these fears came from. Some of them have just developed over the years. Some fears we have always harbored. I have always been afraid of death. I never even wanted to think about it until the last few years. It’s a subject that most of us definitely want to avoid. I think sometimes we feel like if we talk about it, it might jinx us and we will end up on the “mortar board” at some funeral home before the days out. Also, it’s a pretty depressing subject to broach. Nobody wants to be depressed, so nobody talks about it. I can’t remember the first time I thought about it, and was scared. I think it was when I was about four years old. Really, it’s true. As a little kid when I should have been thinking about playing cowboys and Indians, I was mulling over the great unknown. It’s been a bummer over the years.

Lately, I have come to the conclusion that by talking about death maybe we can make it less scary. I am not as afraid of it as I used to be. It’s not the little kid fear of going to hell and burning up in a blazing fire type fear anymore. It’s more of just an apprehension of something unknown. It’s a disappointment that I might not be around to see my loved ones complete most of their journey that they have started. It’s the conversations and contact with my family and friends that I don’t want to give up. The touches and looks of people you love, and who love you. Most of all, it turns out that it’s a selfish thing. Imagine that. I have so many selfish reasons for living that I don’t want to die and give them all up.

I don’t want to give up the beautiful sunny days like the one we had this past week. I don’t want to give up the good books that I enjoy reading every day. I don’t want to give up the glorious music I listen to every night.

But, it’s not what we want that we get is it?

There are so many theories and theological thesis about what happens to us after we die. It’s hard to pin one down and stick with it. One thing that I can assure you though is that it will be different from any of them. I don’t think that man has been given the knowledge, through any type of religion or science of what really happens. I am a Christian and believe he lived, but some people may not be the same as me. It may be that we just have peace. Peace would be nice; I’ll take that over some of what I’ve heard over the years.

I’ve seen a lot of people going through unbelievable suffering, or who no longer know who or what they are who would take peace too. There was a little old lady who was “rooming” next to my Mother at the nursing home a couple of years ago who was there one day and gone the next. She was in bad shape. She was ready for a rest, and she got it. I think if you could have broken through the wall of her senility she would have told you she was. A lot of times people outlive the desire to live, and when they do that, they are ready for peace. I am sure she wasn’t scared of it. Maybe welcomed it.

As long as we have the desire, then we should “keep on truckin’” as we used to say back in the 70’s. It’s when we lose the desire, due to things that are happening to us physically, that it becomes a hardship to keep on keeping on.

So, I guess as my perspective has changed from that little shivering four year old kid, who shouldn’t have even known what death was, to the more knowledgeable but equally unknowing 61 year old that I am now am. I still have my desire to live and hope that I keep it for a long, long time to come. I hope all of you do also. But, when we are ready for peace, I hope we find it and that it turns out to be better than we ever imagined.

Time…once so seemingly plentiful now comes at a premium. I have wasted so much of it doing inane and unimportant things that I hope God can forgive me. I have tried to use it wisely, but I am simply a child in an adult’s body, and things don’t always turn out right. Who’s to say what’s a waste and what ain’t anyway! I think my forgiveness need be for things I have thought…which barely took up any time, and not for what I haven’t done. Those folks who seem to have accomplished so much, with their fame and their fortune…they only have so much in the way of time too. And it can’t be bought now can it? Only “watched” and then sometimes too closely.

I dreamt last night that I had died. Those are always strange dreams anyway, but this one was exceedingly bizarre, being as I also still seemed to be mulling about the house at the same time. I was checking in on everyone to see how they were feeling. Odd. Dead, yet still worried about how everyone else was doing.

It does give me pause that my mind would send me down that path in the few hours per night which I sleep. It’s not fair to have your “little death” imposed upon by dreams of the big one. Nevertheless, I seemed non the worse for my demise, except for the lack of communication with those still left in the world of the living. And I did thankfully wake up this morning. Really odd what a person dreams….

I see from that dream that the world will go on without me, not missing a beat. Songs will still be written and sung, and the beautiful orange sunrises and sunsets will continue. The birds will still fly, and the rain will come down upon both the good and the evil. Scrumptious meals will be cooked, served and eaten. Good books will be read by lucky readers. People will still work too hard, play too little, and stress too much about things which will mean absolutely nothing in the end.

All which really matters is the legacy of love you leave behind, and you build that remembrance IF you deserve it, in the hearts of those who have known you, by being there for them.

It’s all sort of left me “melancholy baby…” though.

I hope I dream about something different tonight.

They say we have five senses….you all know them. Sight, smell, hearing, taste, touch.

Many experts will tell you we have many more.

Proprioception, time perception…is another, and some “experts” feel we have up to 50 or more senses. And yet, even if we have that many I feel we still do not, cannot perceive even a fraction of all which is going on around us…in us.

We perceive things as solid, when they most certainly cannot be solid, since they are comprised of atoms, which all of us learned in Science class are constantly in motion. How are atoms which are in motion can be perceived as solid could be due to a human sense which causes the atoms which are in motion to cease moving only when we look at them and have the expectation in our mind that a solid piece of wood or cement will be there instead of a bunch of whirling disjointed atoms.

Think I’m crazy yet?

And what about the things which occupy the space around us, which we consider empty. Would it surprise to learn that some folks consider ever space in the Universe occupied by something. A matrix? That idea is much, much older than the Keanu Reeves movies.

I wonder how many more colors there are in the color spectrum we cannot perceive, how many more sounds and vibrations are there which we cannot hear, smells that elude us, subtle tastes we cannot discern, touches from Angels which we cannot feel but which protect us from harm. When we look in the starry night sky, how beautiful it is…but how much beautiful could it be? I took a picture last night of the stars…straight up above my head. When first I looked, there were the stars that had been visible. For kicks I started “expanding” the photo as one is able to with an iPhone until the entire screen was solid with the tiny red specs if stars I had not been able to perceive, but which were there in my moment of conscious ability to see them.

My Grandma once told me to be careful what I said or did, because God was watching me.

I believe she was right…the creator is right here in this same room…I just can’t believe enough, I just don’t have enough faith right now to see him, but I think one day I will, we will, certainly be able to.

During out lives, some of us change. We change our opinions. We change our philosophy. We change our outlook on life and on people. I think I understand where people are coming from sometimes, but sometimes I am wrong. People think they know where I am coming from,but sometimes they are wrong. I think we are here to serve and be kind.

To all people.

Not just to those who agree with us on our philosophy, our morals, and especially our judgement. I have spent a whole lot of my life being judgmental. Learning to turn that situation loose has been extremely hard and it’s still an ongoing battle every day. So I hope to keep my most private thoughts mostly in my head….which is where they belong. I hope everyone else can take a look at themselves and try and do the same.

Mother Teresa said: “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” Very simple, but very deep. If we spend so much time trying to decide who is right and who is wrong about any given thing, that is time that is taken up not loving others.

Quite honestly, I believe that you don’t even have to interact with people physically to love them. You don’t even have to know them personally to love them. You certainly cannot love them if you judge them to be beyond the philosophy OF your love. I can’t understand how I can love someone and condemn them at the same time. Is that not an impossibility?