December 2010

I reflect upon this life of mine seven years ago. Daddy had died on May 22 of 2010. Momma was sick and was barely communicating. I was still working second shift in Calhoun. I felt fatigued, and had no energy. I attributed it to lack of sleep. After all, I’d had a heart test earlier in the summer which showed that my arteries were as they should be. I was OK….so I thought.
On my birthday in 2010, I turned 60 years old.  My Mom would pass away less than two months later on December 10th.  She had a very small and sparsely attended funeral.  I sang “Silent Night” at her funeral and felt completely out of breath at the end of it.  I thought it was simply the situation.  Grief….compounded grief.  Sadness left over from my Dad’s death only seven months earlier stacked up underneath the deep sadness from my Mother’s death.  2010 was not a banner year.  As a matter of fact, I remember very little from that year.  December 19, 2010 was the day when I found out I was not just “fatigued and had no energy” I had gone to the E.R. in Rome three days earlier with chest pains, and they checked me out and sent me back home.  Three days later, I was back with more chest pains.  This time, they decided to check closer, and eventually found out the main artery in my heart, along with three other arteries, were 99% blocked.
They scheduled me for surgery on December 21, 2010.  My oldest sons birthday.
I looked back at a couple of my Facebook posts from December and I had been complaining….as I always do, I suppose:
December 4, 2010-  I never thought my life would come down to a choice of sleep deprivation or heat exhaustion. I am not sure which one is worse, just like I am not sure which part of this old body is wearing out the quickest. I think it’s a tie between the ankles and the back!
December 3, 2010-  I’m so tired, my mind is on the blink,
I’m so tired, I think I’ll have another drink…..
November 30, 2010-  Have been feeling under the weather today, and it wasn’t the weather that was making me feel that way! Hoping tomorrow is better.
It’s my advice to always listen to what your body is telling you, not matter if the Doctors are telling you the same thing or not.  In any case, I went into the operating room the morning of December 21st with the feeling that I would just die in the operating room and not come back.  I’ve really never expressed that before.  I was trying to be as positive as possible for all my family, who incidentally were all there that morning.  But, I was wrong.  My gut feeling was incorrect.  My surgeons were good, my luck was good, my time wasn’t up.  I came back out of the operating room sometime that afternoon and went into the CCU.  I knew I was alive because it wasn’t possible to be in so much pain if you were dead.
And so…..the very second I realized I was still in the land of the living, I was glad.  I was so very glad.
My premonition had been that I would go to sleep and never wake up on that December day.  I’m glad my premonition was wrong, because so many wonderful things have happened since that day.
Three wonderful new grandchildren have come into our lives since that day, ones I would have never known about or been able to love.
I have been able to watch my “older” grandchildren graduate from High School and move on to college and their adult lives.
So many good things have happened to me, that I cannot count them all.  I won’t even try.  I will just accept that things happen the way they happen for a reason, and that reason is beyond me….is beyond all of us really.

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