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Mother’s Day is May 10th this year. My Mother is gone. She died December 10th of the same year my Dad died, which was 2010. I miss them every day. Even more so lately in this age of isolation. My Dad was always a rock for me.

I know Sunday is a “holiday” which has been set aside to honor our Mothers…and our wives who are the Mother’s of our children, but really shouldn’t we do that every day?

I certainly love the Mother of my children every day. Paula Neurauter Bowers and I have been married almost 51 years, and for 48 of those years she has been a Mother….every day. She’s been a Grandmother since 1990, and since 2011 has been constantly in caring for our youngest grandchildren. She has more love in her heart for her “little ones” then they could ever know. To be in the situation we are in currently is pretty heartbreaking at times….but we’ll get through it somehow.

I respect her more than I do anybody for being the Mother and Nana she has been. I think I have told her that on some other days besides just on Mother’s day. I haven’t told her enough…I never could if I tried.

Before this year Mother’s day was getting more and more commercial every year like a lot of other holidays. They shame you if you don’t go to Jared’s or Kays and buy her a diamond. I think a lot of Mother’s would as soon to have something their kids made them, than something bought. A crudely colored card with a scribbled “I love you” Something made in love by a child or grandchild.

My Mom kept a cutting board I made for her in Vacation bible school when I was eight. It said “Mother” I think I still have it somewhere around the house. She never used it, just kept it propped up in the kitchen. Guess it’s sort of like the little squiggly drawings I keep that the kids and grandchildren did when they were tiny and gave them to us as presents. We still get them. They are hung everywhere…on the refrigerator…one the walls. Mom got a cutting board, but she never lost it.

My Mom was a person who had many problems and privations during her lifetime. She was beset by mental illness in 1960, and battled it off and on for the rest of her life. She was thirty years old that year, and she lived to be almost 81. That’s a long battle. It’s one most people would have given up on, and I witnessed the days that Mom would have given up if she had not had that spark of love in her for her family. That tiny spark which we could nurture and eventually bring her back to us for a period of time….many times for years and years. She was a sweet lady during the “good” times. She loved to cook, took up crocheting, and watched her soaps every day with Daddy. She was terribly sick the last few years of her life, with diabetes and a nervous system which was wearing out. She had to have a pacemaker, and it always hurt her….I believe it was on a nerve or something. There were some very bad days. Wearing and wearying days. Days in which I wish I could have done more, would have done more. My regrets are myriad, and many.

Yet, when I think of her now, I think of her as a young woman. I think of the smell of clean bleached sheets hanging on the clothes line when I was four. I think of the backbreaking work she did filling battreys in the mill on the second shift for years, because we needed the money, and so she could save some money. I think of the trips with her and Daddy to Myrtle beach, and the “frozen yoga” I think of the Italian Cream cake for my birthday. I think of the deep love she had for her own Mother, and the twice a month trips to the Blue Ridge nursing home that she and Daddy took, to take Granny out to eat. I think of how much she really did love my brother and me, and also all her precious grandchildren, the five of them. Yes, I indeed have all of those, and many more, good memories to sustain me, and to which I cling on many days, especially on Mother’s Day.

So, on this Mother’s Day this Sunday, show your Mother some love if she’s still with you. Call her, text her, video text her, do a drive by at a physical distance which won’t put her at risk. Send some flowers if you can find a place to do it in this day and age….but most of all just tell her you love her somehow! Tell someone who is not a physical Mother, but who has been significant in your life, you love them and you are taking time on this Mother’s day to let them know how much you appreciate them. Facebook would be a great place to do that. Let’s use it for something that has something to do with love for a change.

I’ll be thinking of my Mom, and I’ll be with my wife.

And lastly Dad…miss you every day old buddy. Wish I could hear what you had to say….but I’ve got a lot of what you said deep in my heart.

In my ancestry, in my blood, there are traces of many people.  Thousands of people.

I have a heavy dollop of English, Scottish and Irish, followed closely by Western and Northern European (Viking)  I didn’t know that until I did the Ancestry DNA test, but after having it done….now I know!

I have an affinity for finding things in nature which have been left behind. Many are times that I walked the trails behind my Grandparent’s home in Blue Ridge and found arrowheads and other implements. I still have on particular arrowhead which I still keep in my little keepsake chest which is a white quartz point with blue and red veins running through it. I find sticks of different shapes that look like things to me. I am always on the lookout for different plants and animals.

I have always felt a special affinity for the birds. Anybody who has followed me on Facebook for any amount of time at all has seen bird photos.

Hawks seem to always be sitting on trees and power lines watching as I drive down the road, or walk by the rivers.

Lately I have been attracting Crows. Lots of them. They follow me around like they have something to tell me. Cawing and talking to me. I think they are telling me that I am doing the right thing. “Stay in shape” “Keep on keeping on” “Live long and prosper” Oh wait…that’s Spock, never mind.

A lot of people don’t consider crows good luck. They actually represent death in some cultures, I guess probably because of their dietary habits. (They eat dead stuff…for Gosh sakes) The Hindus believe crows are the link between the worlds of the living and the dead, carrying messages.

The Scottish have a saying about “going away up the Crow road” denoting death.

But…my spirit tells me differently. Something inside says they are special. I’ll go along with the Native American belief about the crows.

Contrary to popular belief, crows do not symbolize death in Native American culture. Instead, they are seen as omens of good luck, with their intelligence being their defining characteristic. This is why they are often portrayed as tricksters in Native American folklore. Omens of good luck.

I choose to believe in the good luck. I choose to believe in being a trickster.

I’ll keep the crows as walking companions as long as they want to come along…..

With this damned pandemic hitting in mid March, my wife and I went into isolation in our basement apartment. It was on a doctor’s recommendation because of the new novel Coronavirus disease which has been sweeping the globe causing many deaths.

On that day in March, now closing in on two months, I stopped hugging and kissing my children, and started staying 6 feet or more away from them, and them from me. Not quite two months yet, but it has forever changed my life and my character.

I have always lovingly touched, kissed and hugged my children and their children. It’s who I am. Not just as a turn of a phrase either. It is literally, physically and emotionally, mentally and spiritually Larry Bowers. That aspect of me IS me. To lose it for any amount of time is almost worse than death. Damn the Coronavirus and whoever, whatever, or wherever it came from. To have taken almost two full months of love from many of us “older” people is an affront to our being. And, it is not even over yet. Who knows when that will be?

The numbers of dead in this country don’t paint a hopeful outlook. Over seventy thousand dead…..and still going. In only two months….seventy thousand. Oh God. Those families, I’m so very sad, so sorry. I cry every night. I pray again for the first time in years.

I realize what the virologists and specialists say is true. I’ve read the descriptions of what the disease does, and I’ve seen the film clips. I know it’s for our own good. We’ll get through this…they say. When this is behind us ….they say. When it’s safe to physically able to show our love to our loved ones again….what will we do?

I see notes and posts on social media from people who are my age, or nearly so…who say they have continued to be with their families and have continued to be a loving family unit, and they aren’t dead yet. It makes me wonder: did I do the right thing? Have I given up two months, which has changed me both physically and mentally, for nothing? When and if I can hold my babies again, will I go into it without a single thought about it…or will I be timid?

The torturers from hell couldn’t have devised a more sneaky, malodorous painful method of punishment than this for a person like me.

Caution is defined as “care taken to avoid danger or mistakes”

Fear is defined as “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous and likely to cause pain or an imminent threat”

I’m not fearful of death, but I am cautious of doing things which might cause death. My caution is exercised out of knowledge of a particular subject and by gathering the most information possible. I look both ways before I cross a busy street while I’m on foot. Once upon a time when I was in the fourth grade, I crossed a street without looking and got hit by a car. I wasn’t afraid before I crossed, but really scared after I got hit. Now I’m cautious when I cross streets. That caution came from experience….unfortunately in that case.

Ignorance is “lack of knowledge or information”

Stupidity is “behavior that shows a lack of good sense or judgement”

I have often done things out of ignorance to the situation, and sometimes have been stupid in my behavior. I knew at the time when I was doing something stupid, that I was doing something stupid. I once stopped by a beer joint with one of my friends and we bought three beers a piece. He drank his three while he was driving and ran his car off the road into a ditch. That was stupid and he knew it, but he did it anyway.

I have done things out of sheer ignorance that later on made me incredulous at my actions, when I realized my lack of knowledge on the subject, or my lack of information. I found it’s best not to act on any subject before you have as much information as possible, or before you gain the knowledge of the subject you are trying to act on. In other words, it’s best not to try and bullshit your way through a conversation about something with an expert in the subject. Your ignorance will show.

Being cautious is much different than being in fear, and being ignorant is not nearly the same as being stupid. Too often these terms are used interchangeably and therefore are often taken as being the same.

They’re not.

Life is like brown sugar in the mouth of a baby. Sweet and melting with the warmth of their little bodies. Sticky, yummy and good.

Life is the breeze on which the Monarch rises high into the sky and flies thousands of miles every year in order to propagate and survive.

It is a thunderstorm and an old patched quilt on a front porch swing…and the music of a violin on a sweltering New York City night.

It is a first kiss and a final kiss…and every one in between. A touch or a caress; hurried or languished for hours. Its inconsolable grief and monumental happiness.

It is all of these things. I have seen and experienced them and cry for more! More to come no matter how long or how short, I will bask in them. I will revel in them.

The beat of life…and the beat of our hearts..

It goes on every day. Don’t let it pass you by without noticing. Don’t let today pass you by today without loving it.

From 2014- Will We Fly?

If I could fly, oh if only. Human beings have yearned to fly since they first caught sight of the birds in the air thousands of years ago. Jealous of their freedom.

Icarus and Daedulus tried and failed from getting too close to the sun. DaVinci drew plans for the Ornithocopter, but it never was built. Too busy painting Mona Lisa?

And oh I do know the Wright brothers gave us a flying machine to ride in, but that is not the same.

The song goes: “I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky.”
But it was all metaphorical.

“I’ll Fly Away, Oh Glory” ….but will I really? When I was a child, I used to dream of flying. Not in a plane or copter, but just spreading my arms and soaring. God, those were good dreams. I wish I could dream them again, but it’s been years. When I was a child, I thought and spoke like a child. But now I am grown and must put away childish things. No more Peter Pan, fairy dust and Neverland.

But I do wish I could fly. I’ve had some well wishers want me to give it a try as they have frequently asked me to go jump off a cliff, but thankfully I never did.

I think perhaps when that spark which resides within us all takes leave of this vehicle it is in, I will get my wish. I hope I can at least look back over my shoulder and see the trees and mountains and lakes and rivers one last time. That’s not asking for much considering all the hours I have put in here at the “office” is it?

I don’t think so.

A day rarely goes by that I don’t think about the past. I realize that in most cases it is better not to dwell there, but I don’t believe an occasional visit is a bad thing.

I think of all the people I have known, who are now gone, and the good times we had together. I think of trips I have taken, both alone and with others, and all of the beautiful fragments of this world I’ve laid my eyes on.

I think of the children and grandchildren I have touched, kissed and held in my arms and loved. I have memories of them to visit and smile over.

I think of my wife, who has been on this journey with me for so many years, and how she is such a part of me. My conscience and my reminder to live what I say, and not simply say the things I think I am.

The more we live, the longer we are here, the larger our past becomes. That mirror into our memories is large and easy to stand in front of and endlessly reflect. We do have to move out from in front of it though, and keep moving. Tomorrow is another day, and another chance to build upon the wonderful things we want to put into our library of memories. Oh, I know there’s also some bad there too. Always will be. But we can overcome the bad if we’ll only allow ourselves to do so.

I hope everyone has a safe and great week.

This is the last bastion of refuge. The last tiny little sliver of writing area available to me on the vast “social” media network where I can dare express how I truly feel about the things going on in the world around me. Alas, if too many people even see this, then I’ll have to go back to pen and paper and let all….or none, of my thoughts be considered posthumously.

Honestly, there must really be something wrong with my brain. Either the high fever I had as a toddler, which caused my eyes to cross…or the concussion I had the very next year when I rode my tricycle down our front steps and busted my head wide open must surely be the reason I can’t see and understand how messiah-like some leaders are considered in this country. We’ve always had people with flaws….heck I’ve got them. We’ve never before been ensorcelled though.

One has to wonder at the sights their eyes see, and the words their ears hear. When the man sitting for the interview pointed at the gigantic statue of Lincoln and said he’d been “treated worse than that man” I had to wonder at my own sanity. We are so far down the rabbit hole, there’s no coming back.

I got to thinking about the old saying that “life is just mind over matter….if you don’t mind it don’t matter!” Now I now that’s supposed to be funny, but really it’s kind of true. If you don’t mind what people say about you, it don’t matter. If you don’t mind you don’t have as many possessions as others around you, it don’t matter. If you don’t mind that someone cuts you off in traffic, it don’t matter. If you don’t mind you’ve gained a little weight, it don’t matter. If you don’t mind there’s a little dust on the furniture, it don’t matter.

The things that DO matter are our peace of mind, and happiness, and our relationship to the people and the world around us.

It matters how we treat our family and our friends. It matters if we help someone who asks for it, but also it matters when we help someone who needs it and DOES NOT ask for it…cause some people who need help are too proud to ask and some are so far gone, they cannot ask.

It matters if we care about humanity….not just American humanity but ALL of humanity.

So today don’t mind about the loudmouth in the aisle ahead of you at Walmart talking on their cell phone about things best kept private, it don’t matter. Don’t mind about what the talking heads on TV are telling you, in the long run it won’t matter. Don’t mind if so and so don’t agree with your politics, or pulls an online rant on you, in a month or a year, or in 100 years it…won’t…matter. Period.

Do mind about telling someone you love them…that does matter. Do mind if you help somebody who is sick, or feed someone who is hungry, that does matter. Do mind about hugging your kids, and your old people. Do mind about dealing with those around you with kindness. Those are the tenets of living which will live on far beyond us all. That is the morality upon which an unbreakable civilization will one day be founded, and out of which a new paradigm of life will emerge.

If you’re a Christian, read the gospel and do what Jesus says. If you’re an atheist treat others with integrity, compassion, and understanding. If you are of any religion, stand for the good which all religions include…don’t make up you’re own rules. Don’t surround yourself with hatred. Don’t think that revenge will end with the last person who acts with revenge in mind. It won’t. An eye for and eye only ends up making everyone blind.

Perhaps I am naive to think these things. To think that we will be able to solve our own human problems by our own human selves. But I do

I really do.

We’ve only just begun. That was a “Carpenters” song, it seems like an eternity ago now. “We’ve only just begun to live, white lace and promises, a gift for luck and we’re on our way” I suppose it’s been sung at about a million weddings. The title of the song keeps popping in my head now almost every day since we’ve all started “distancing” from each other. We’ve only just begun. We’ve only just begun to live the “new” way that we’re going to have to live for quite some time now. Who knows how long? Nobody.

There are a lot guessers out there. A lot of assumers, and a lot of optimists. I’ve never been much of an optimist. That’s just the way I was built. I’ve tried to happy my way out of it a lot of times. I haven’t yet been able to do it. I’m slightly to the bi-polar side I suppose. I have good days and bad days. I had them even when we weren’t going through a pandemic. Now those swings are a lot more extreme. Amplified and modulated. I read an article which said we’re only in the 2nd inning of this fight with the novel coronavirus. If we’re just in the 2nd inning, it’s going to be a long, long game. A deadly game. A game in which a lot of people are going to “leave the stadium” before it’s over. The people who are there at the end of the game, are going to be changed by the game. Forever.

I don’t know if I’ll make it until the end of the game. I’m a pretty old spectator, who was pretty set in his ways even before the game started. At just over a month into this, I’m already pretty antsy some days. Other days I’m ok…. I’m lucky to have a wonderful companion who’s sharing this game with me, and she’s more of an optimist then I am. She keeps me pretty sane most days.

I know for certain and for sure I’m not the only one who’s already going a little stir crazy. But, I’m so very thankful to be here where I am now. I am so very thankful to still have my health. I’m going to continue to fight, both the external and the internal battle with this terrible disease which has already taken over 50 thousand people in our country.

I’m going to stay put, except to get food and medication. I’m for sure not going out into a barber shop, or a gym, or inside a Walmart store. I can’t stop other people from doing it. It’s their decision to do what they are going to do. I surely can’t understand opening lot’s of the country back up while the disease is still spreading.

There’s still lots of time to go. Lot’s of time to think, or perhaps not to think about this crisis in human history. I guess each generator sees it’s own emergencies. Not every generation sees an existential threat to it’s existence. (or two of them if you count the climate crisis which is going on at the same time) I guess we can only do what we can with the time that we have to do it with.

Everyone stay safe, try and stay sane, and stay healthy. Everyone has my deepest love and hope for all of us….for the entire human race. Let’s try to make it to the end of this deadly game the best way we all can.