Author: thegraymaniac

From 2014- Will We Fly?

If I could fly, oh if only. Human beings have yearned to fly since they first caught sight of the birds in the air thousands of years ago. Jealous of their freedom.

Icarus and Daedulus tried and failed from getting too close to the sun. DaVinci drew plans for the Ornithocopter, but it never was built. Too busy painting Mona Lisa?

And oh I do know the Wright brothers gave us a flying machine to ride in, but that is not the same.

The song goes: “I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky.”
But it was all metaphorical.

“I’ll Fly Away, Oh Glory” ….but will I really? When I was a child, I used to dream of flying. Not in a plane or copter, but just spreading my arms and soaring. God, those were good dreams. I wish I could dream them again, but it’s been years. When I was a child, I thought and spoke like a child. But now I am grown and must put away childish things. No more Peter Pan, fairy dust and Neverland.

But I do wish I could fly. I’ve had some well wishers want me to give it a try as they have frequently asked me to go jump off a cliff, but thankfully I never did.

I think perhaps when that spark which resides within us all takes leave of this vehicle it is in, I will get my wish. I hope I can at least look back over my shoulder and see the trees and mountains and lakes and rivers one last time. That’s not asking for much considering all the hours I have put in here at the “office” is it?

I don’t think so.

A day rarely goes by that I don’t think about the past. I realize that in most cases it is better not to dwell there, but I don’t believe an occasional visit is a bad thing.

I think of all the people I have known, who are now gone, and the good times we had together. I think of trips I have taken, both alone and with others, and all of the beautiful fragments of this world I’ve laid my eyes on.

I think of the children and grandchildren I have touched, kissed and held in my arms and loved. I have memories of them to visit and smile over.

I think of my wife, who has been on this journey with me for so many years, and how she is such a part of me. My conscience and my reminder to live what I say, and not simply say the things I think I am.

The more we live, the longer we are here, the larger our past becomes. That mirror into our memories is large and easy to stand in front of and endlessly reflect. We do have to move out from in front of it though, and keep moving. Tomorrow is another day, and another chance to build upon the wonderful things we want to put into our library of memories. Oh, I know there’s also some bad there too. Always will be. But we can overcome the bad if we’ll only allow ourselves to do so.

I hope everyone has a safe and great week.

This is the last bastion of refuge. The last tiny little sliver of writing area available to me on the vast “social” media network where I can dare express how I truly feel about the things going on in the world around me. Alas, if too many people even see this, then I’ll have to go back to pen and paper and let all….or none, of my thoughts be considered posthumously.

Honestly, there must really be something wrong with my brain. Either the high fever I had as a toddler, which caused my eyes to cross…or the concussion I had the very next year when I rode my tricycle down our front steps and busted my head wide open must surely be the reason I can’t see and understand how messiah-like some leaders are considered in this country. We’ve always had people with flaws….heck I’ve got them. We’ve never before been ensorcelled though.

One has to wonder at the sights their eyes see, and the words their ears hear. When the man sitting for the interview pointed at the gigantic statue of Lincoln and said he’d been “treated worse than that man” I had to wonder at my own sanity. We are so far down the rabbit hole, there’s no coming back.

I got to thinking about the old saying that “life is just mind over matter….if you don’t mind it don’t matter!” Now I now that’s supposed to be funny, but really it’s kind of true. If you don’t mind what people say about you, it don’t matter. If you don’t mind you don’t have as many possessions as others around you, it don’t matter. If you don’t mind that someone cuts you off in traffic, it don’t matter. If you don’t mind you’ve gained a little weight, it don’t matter. If you don’t mind there’s a little dust on the furniture, it don’t matter.

The things that DO matter are our peace of mind, and happiness, and our relationship to the people and the world around us.

It matters how we treat our family and our friends. It matters if we help someone who asks for it, but also it matters when we help someone who needs it and DOES NOT ask for it…cause some people who need help are too proud to ask and some are so far gone, they cannot ask.

It matters if we care about humanity….not just American humanity but ALL of humanity.

So today don’t mind about the loudmouth in the aisle ahead of you at Walmart talking on their cell phone about things best kept private, it don’t matter. Don’t mind about what the talking heads on TV are telling you, in the long run it won’t matter. Don’t mind if so and so don’t agree with your politics, or pulls an online rant on you, in a month or a year, or in 100 years it…won’t…matter. Period.

Do mind about telling someone you love them…that does matter. Do mind if you help somebody who is sick, or feed someone who is hungry, that does matter. Do mind about hugging your kids, and your old people. Do mind about dealing with those around you with kindness. Those are the tenets of living which will live on far beyond us all. That is the morality upon which an unbreakable civilization will one day be founded, and out of which a new paradigm of life will emerge.

If you’re a Christian, read the gospel and do what Jesus says. If you’re an atheist treat others with integrity, compassion, and understanding. If you are of any religion, stand for the good which all religions include…don’t make up you’re own rules. Don’t surround yourself with hatred. Don’t think that revenge will end with the last person who acts with revenge in mind. It won’t. An eye for and eye only ends up making everyone blind.

Perhaps I am naive to think these things. To think that we will be able to solve our own human problems by our own human selves. But I do

I really do.

We’ve only just begun. That was a “Carpenters” song, it seems like an eternity ago now. “We’ve only just begun to live, white lace and promises, a gift for luck and we’re on our way” I suppose it’s been sung at about a million weddings. The title of the song keeps popping in my head now almost every day since we’ve all started “distancing” from each other. We’ve only just begun. We’ve only just begun to live the “new” way that we’re going to have to live for quite some time now. Who knows how long? Nobody.

There are a lot guessers out there. A lot of assumers, and a lot of optimists. I’ve never been much of an optimist. That’s just the way I was built. I’ve tried to happy my way out of it a lot of times. I haven’t yet been able to do it. I’m slightly to the bi-polar side I suppose. I have good days and bad days. I had them even when we weren’t going through a pandemic. Now those swings are a lot more extreme. Amplified and modulated. I read an article which said we’re only in the 2nd inning of this fight with the novel coronavirus. If we’re just in the 2nd inning, it’s going to be a long, long game. A deadly game. A game in which a lot of people are going to “leave the stadium” before it’s over. The people who are there at the end of the game, are going to be changed by the game. Forever.

I don’t know if I’ll make it until the end of the game. I’m a pretty old spectator, who was pretty set in his ways even before the game started. At just over a month into this, I’m already pretty antsy some days. Other days I’m ok…. I’m lucky to have a wonderful companion who’s sharing this game with me, and she’s more of an optimist then I am. She keeps me pretty sane most days.

I know for certain and for sure I’m not the only one who’s already going a little stir crazy. But, I’m so very thankful to be here where I am now. I am so very thankful to still have my health. I’m going to continue to fight, both the external and the internal battle with this terrible disease which has already taken over 50 thousand people in our country.

I’m going to stay put, except to get food and medication. I’m for sure not going out into a barber shop, or a gym, or inside a Walmart store. I can’t stop other people from doing it. It’s their decision to do what they are going to do. I surely can’t understand opening lot’s of the country back up while the disease is still spreading.

There’s still lots of time to go. Lot’s of time to think, or perhaps not to think about this crisis in human history. I guess each generator sees it’s own emergencies. Not every generation sees an existential threat to it’s existence. (or two of them if you count the climate crisis which is going on at the same time) I guess we can only do what we can with the time that we have to do it with.

Everyone stay safe, try and stay sane, and stay healthy. Everyone has my deepest love and hope for all of us….for the entire human race. Let’s try to make it to the end of this deadly game the best way we all can.

A busy day, the end of a busy week. We have been with all the “little” Grandbabies at different times this week. They are tiny tornadoes…but they are our babies. Eli, Rue, and Evie. I couldn’t love them more.

They remind me that once upon a time, my other grandchildren were also babies, but are growing up and out of our “sphere of influence” My first Jessica Brown is a beautiful young woman now, in faraway Huntsville most of the time, working hard on her new job. Auttie Bowers my Blondie, is a junior. Going to the prom tomorrow (praying for no storms) Tyler Holland is married and working hard on the road. I passed my 16 year old Chelsea Holland out playing tennis this afternoon with Max, and had to stop my walk and try to show off. Then there is my little teeny bopper Olivia Livy Brown who is getting prettier every day. I know I’m an embarrassment to them, but just can’t help it.

I raised my three children the best I could. There were hard times, financially and emotionally. I commuted to work out of town all my working years, and had less time for my kids than I wanted with them. I bet I have put in at least a million miles between 1978 and 2011…my “driving” years. I got to know Ludlow Porch, NPR, and Neal Boortz really well over the radio airwaves. I listened to more country music than a Nashville producer.

My wife was with the kids more when they were little. I know that her presence helped them tremendously. Their Grandparents were a big part of their life, especially my “larger than life” Daddy.

My kids are my friends now, although I am never beyond still giving “parental” advice and serving as a gravel hauler, furniture mover, fashion supplier, taxi service and much more…all very willingly albeit grumpily sometimes. There is nothing I wouldn’t do…well almost nothing, for them. They know it. My family has always come first.

Brings me back to the babies. The grandchildren of our “old” age. They will never remember Paula and I as anything other than the gray headed grandparents. Evie especially, and hopefully a brother or sister for her in a few years. Perhaps they will remember some wisps and whispers of our caring for them. And oh..how I do care for them….all of them, child and grandchild.

Many, many years ago I decided I would probably never have a profession as such, other than being Dad and Papa. I think it was the right choice.

Lately, “for no particular reason” as Forrest Gump would say, I have been uncharacteristically sad. I wish I knew why.

Things have been going ok, have been going relatively well actually.

I was cleaning out some things at my rented storage building today and found an old photo album which had been misplaced. It had photos of my grandparents and my folks, my Aunts and Uncles…many long dead now. One of the pictures was of Mom and Dad, and Uncle Pinky and Aunt Sis sitting at a card table playing Rook….had to be about 1974.

They used to get together quite often when we lived on 8th street, since they lived right next door. We boys and girls who lived on 8th street also would get together almost every day and play. God, there were a bunch of us there in the 60’s.

Lemme see: Me and Mike. Rickey Bowers, Mike and Lynn Brown, David Hayes and his three sisters, Debo Spears, Barbecue Ingle, Stanley Crawford, Russell Fox, Hiram Sizemore, Alan Butler (sometimes at his grandparents) the Butler girls…three of them, sisters. There was Kenneth Treadaway, (Coway drive…as was Debo) and sometimes Ken Stephens would wander over from 7th street. Did I forget anybody? Probably.

It was precisely this time of the year, every year, that we were getting geared up for summer. Baseball and swimming. Fishing, golf, and nightly games of “freedom”. Around the clock monopoly marathons at Hiram’s house. Guitar playing. Spending the night at somewhere else besides home.

Waiting for the the rolling store and the ice cream truck. Reading comic books all day long. Our lives back then was a combination of “Leave it to Beaver” and “The Wonder Years”.

We, the white middle class kids of America growing up in the fifties and sixties, had mostly wonderful lives. Sure, there were problems. But we tend to forget those. We tend to dwell on the good for the most part. It’s just how humans think. Why else would a woman ever have more than one child?

So I suppose my recent wave of sadness is simply nostalgia biting me in the butt. It’s missing the people who are gone, and the times we had.

But…I’m still looking forward to tomorrow…and this week. My little grandchildren, my big ones, my kids. All of my family. We make new memories now for a new generation of our humanity to one day be nostalgic about. It’s the way of life.

And that’s how it should be, although it’d be good to play a game of Rook…or even “Magic” again…while there’s still some time.

Days

Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is to be thankful for one more day. Then, most of the time during the day I find myself being thankful for simple moments. They are the type of moments that each of us should have, and should treasure.

The kissing of the baby’s neck. The hug from the little kids. The taste of something decent to eat, the smell of coffee, the song which touches your heart, and brings a tear to your eye. The glance from a familiar eye which says “I love you”.

Those are real moments, and when it all is considered, those moments are all we have. The past is gone, with every breath we take, it is fleeing swiftly by us. The future is simply conjecture. We plan on doing things which will happen “in the future” but it’s not certain.

A lot of times during the day, especially now, at my age, I find myself questioning life. Uncertain life, and if I travel outside my little venue, either physically or via this computer or any other electronic means, I become aware of things which I cannot understand.

I can’t understand the hate which has resurfaced in our country. I cannot remember a time in my life, except for perhaps in the 50’s or early 60’s when hatred was so wide spread and naked for all to see. I never thought to ever see a time when a swastika was burned openly in order for people of one race to intimidate people of other races or creeds. There is no love in that act, only hatred. There is nothing to be gained by that act, only loss. There are only lost moments in doing something of that nature. There are only lost chances at being able to live together in harmony at those moments. There is nothing Godly happening there. There is nothing divine happening there. There is absolutely no love being exhibited there. There is no sense in it. There is not use in it. There is nothing to be gained by it, other than one moment of the searing satisfaction that an orgasm of hatred can bring. It is ugly, and is the antithesis of everything that anyone who claims a religion of any kind can muster.

We human beings have so very little time on this planet, and hatred is a total waste of that time.

When and if I wake up in the morning, I will again be thankful for the day…..for the moments which fill that day. I’m going to continue to love. I do not, and cannot believe however, that by staying silent anymore about the bad things which are going on, I am doing what is right. I will fight hate, although I will do it in my own way, and I hope and pray that everyone else who hopes for a better world for our children and our grandchildren will do the same. Forcefully, but peacefully… perhaps we can prevail and a better world will be the result.

Common Sense: Not looking both ways before crossing the road. Not touching a stove eye which is red. Don’t sign anything without reading it first. Don’t eat undercooked pork, or a raw ghost pepper.

Don’t encourage ignorance. Don’t put up with rudeness. Don’t forget to say please, thank you, and excuse me. Don’t be bigoted.

Don’t be sexist. Don’t forget to brush your teeth before you go to the dentist. Don’t forget to vote. Always wear clean underwear. Don’t shoot a motorcycle gang a bird.

Don’t forget to learn as much as you can about everything you can. Don’t argue unless you know you are right. Don’t be stubborn about changing your mind when you’re wrong. Don’t contradict yourself.

Always fasten your seatbelt. Don’t fly unless it’s in a plane. Don’t criticize anyone’s personal beliefs.

Thomas Paine once wrote a book by the same name. Read it, it’s an important part of history. Benjamin Franklin wrote a bunch of good common sense sayings in Poor Richard’s Almanac. Another important book.

Apple Cider vinegar and local honey are good for what ails you. Wear an orange vest in the woods during deer season.

Love your neighbor, and that doesn’t just apply to the people you live near. Have compassion and pity for those with less than you. Try to understand where even the angry people are coming from.

Hug somebody. Get enough sleep……

Life is like a balance scale. You must balance out the things you want with the things you really need. You may never have all you think you need, but then…did you truly need it after all?

As a child and a young man I would often dream of what I could become. What I have become is much different. I would not have imagined this. Nobody dreams of growing up to become “ordinary”. But ordinary is not bad, it is simply what has been weighed out in the balance, through choice and through chance.

After all, free will is what has been given to we humans as our heritage from the trials and errors of our ancestors, and through natural selection, or from God if you will.

We should not fail to exercise it, but we should realize at the same time the moral limitations it puts upon us. We should weigh in the balance that which makes us happy and productive against the idealism of that which we think would make us more satisfied.

Sometimes they are one and the same, but most of the time they are not, and those are the times which cause us to get out of balance, and to hurt ourselves and others whom we love.

As one of my favorite fantasy writers Brandon Sanderson said in his book The Hero of Ages:

“Somehow, we’ll find it. The balance between whom we wish to be and whom we need to be. But for now, we simply have to be satisfied with who we are.”