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Thinking back to my childhood, I can remember thinking that I would die young. My Mom was terrified of dying, and unfortunately being associated with that attitude at such a young age somewhat tainted my view of living. It wasn’t really her fault, but was a symptom of her mental illness. Of course, I didn’t know that.

Living was something you did super, ultra carefully. You didn’t want to open yourself up to possibly getting killed by doing something stupid….like playing baseball ( you might get hit in the head with a baseball and get killed….yes it was that bad). I therefore didn’t play little league until my last eligible year…although it turned out I was pretty good at it. Made the All Stars, hit some home runs, had fun!

I tried to staunch my fears when I was raising my kids, but didn’t do well in some cases. They were lucky to have a stable Mom, because I was prone to panic attacks, and had irrational fears of many things: flying, bad storms, etc. I know my kids can remember. I regret those shortcomings, but at the time, I had no solutions. Later on in life, I got medication for my problems, and settled down somewhat. I say somewhat, because I still harbored some of those irrational fears. I did overcome my fear of flying and got a house with a dang good storm shelter!

I feel like that in 2010, when I had my bypass surgery, I became much less fearful of death. I became more capable of living in the day, and appreciating the beauty of the world around me, and being ever so grateful for the family I have to share my life with. Sometimes I still fear the unknown, but not nearly to the extent that I used to.

At my age, I surely don’t have to worry about “dying young” anymore. I do however, certainly want to continue to be able to build memories with my little ones as long as I possibly can.

My Mom lived to be almost eighty one years old, and only in her very final last days do I believe she found some inner strength, and sacrificed her fear of death to the ability to find some peace. I was there with her…almost all her family was there.

Build happy memories friends and family, and do not be fearful of the unknown!

Peace.

Rambling Down a Curvy Road. (An excerpt from an almost finished manuscript)

Once a long time ago I hung out with a guy…my best friend who had a car to drive:

It’s 1967, and I’m a High School junior. My best friend D.B. Sears and I were headed back to his house out in the country, about eight miles North of Welcome Hill. Along the way, there was a popular little eating joint known as the “Riverside Barbecue.” It was appropriately named, as the murky, slow flowing Chattooga was right across the road. The Riverside, was affectionately known as Dub’s. They probably had the best Barbecue I can ever remember putting in my mouth. They also bootlegged beer, since our county was dry back then. They didn’t care what age you were, since they were already breaking one law, what did it matter to them if you were only sixteen or seventeen years old. Maybe it’s what made the Barbecue taste so good.

D.B. and I were in hog heaven, as his sister had let him borrow her new car. We decided we were hungry so we stopped by Dub’s for a sandwich and a beer. We got our goodies, and D.B. kicked it into high gear up the little hilly, curvy road toward his house. We rounded one steep corner with D.B. doing about 60 miles an hour, and there was a car coming the other way over on our side of the road. D.B. did a one-handed-emergency-avoidance-maneuver (he had a beer in the other hand) which took his sister’s new Buick up the side of a twelve foot dirt bank. The car did a 360 degree turn, and came back down onto the pavement headed in exactly the right direction. Besides kicking up a little dust, you would have never known anything had happened. There wasn’t a scratch anywhere on the car, or on us.

“Sheeiiit,” D.B. stated calmly.

I never said a word, I just took another bite out of my sandwich, and continued to chew, out of reflex.

“What do think about THAT little bit of driving?” Said D.B. in a bragging tone.

I never said a word, I just took a huge swallow of Black Label, and sat perfectly still, like a rabbit that’s just seen the barrel of a twelve gauge shotgun poke through the weeds.

About ten minutes passed before my vocal cords became “unparalyzed” from the sheer fright they had just been given. In that time I had mentally asked God to forgive me for all the things I should have asked him to forgive me for during the three second period of time we were up on that dirt bank.

“We’ve got to find something else to occupy our time, before we get killed,” I managed to wheeze out.

“Let’s start a band.” I suggested

Rambling thoughts from many years past:

There are far, far too many children with cancer and other serious diseases in our world. Far too many young adults dying with “old people” diseases:

“There are far, far too many chemicals, poisons, drugs, in our water and food”

There is far, far too much hatred one for the other in our world. Far too much war and atrocities being committed by humans against other humans:

“Hate is not a hereditary quality, but a learned behavior”

There is far, far too much torture of our planet going on. Forests are disappearing, oceans are polluted, the air is filled with noxious smoke, the earth itself is being drilled into incessantly, pumped full of hot water and steam in order to choke out a gallon of black goo…:

“When the Earth dies, all humans will also die. As far as I know there are no outposts on Mars”

There are far, far too few children learning to put a pencil to a piece of paper and write:

“When the plug is pulled, how will knowledge be communicated?”

I used to be able to pull my car in my Grandfather’s yard and do just about anything to it which needed doing to make it run. I changed points and plugs, solenoid switches and alternators, starters, rings and pistons. Now when I open the hood of my car all I see are computer plug ins. The one thing I recognize is the battery.

I used to check books out of the library to read, or go to one of the numerous used book stores to buy a book to read, or to trade for one. Now, I buy a “book” online and they send a few bytes of information on the internet and I read it on an electronic pad. I still own lots and lots of physical books though…including a lot of instruction manuals and textbooks.

There are far, far too many people who think their God lives inside a big brick building:

“If you make room in your heart, God will be there. If God is in your heart, you have made room” You will know, there won’t be any doubt.

Peace….

Last night was a “three dog night” Everyone knows I guess, about where that saying comes from. The old “mushers” used to sleep with their dogs and on the coldest nights had to have three dogs to keep them warm. Last night all three of our dogs slept inside, although NOT in the bed. Same thing tonight. My Lab usually likes the “outdoors” and has an insulated doghouse up on the porch, right next to the house, but she doesn’t get a choice in this kind of weather. She ran around and chased her ball happily today, just as usual. These animals are remarkable creatures, and worth loving. I feel badly for all the half feral cats running around the neighborhood and hope they are finding some warm places to sleep. Hopefully this “polar” air clears out after tomorrow and we get back to a “normal” southern winter.

I wonder how other people “see” their memories, in their mind. Mine come bubbling up in little gray colorless bits and pieces most of the time. If I sit and purposefully try and remember some specific event which has taken place in my life, I fail to rake much information up into the pile.

I think the reason I write so much is because once I get onto a tangent of thought, once I get a good smell of a past brain remnant, then more and more starts boiling and cooking up to the surface.

I was watching little Eli today, and the thought just popped into sight about Kirsten sleeping on my tummy when she was a tiny baby. I worked at Westinghouse on a night shift back in the early 70’s, and Paula was a Southern Bell operator. She had odd hours. A lot of times when Paula was at work, and it was “baby nap time” I would just lay down on the couch and lay Kirsten on my tummy. It was already quite ample and I had no fear of her rolling off…She hadn’t mastered rolling over yet.

One day though, I was really out of it, and so was she.. and the phone rang. I came out a full sleep and jumped up…And rolled little Kisi on the floor. It was only a short distance and nothing was hurt but her feelings. I do think I took the phone off the hook after that.

File that one under “how children survive inexperienced parents”

The 1980’s and half of the 90’s were a blur. I was trying to get into the highly competitive world of songwriting in Nashville. I wrote hundreds of songs. I thought up thousands of titles and hooks. I played my guitar til my fingers bled. I went to Nashville once a week after work for songwriters meetings, and drove back home in the middle of the night. I sang three times at the Bluebird cafe, twice on open Mike night, and once after an audition. I had folks tell me, move here! You’ll get the contacts, you’ll make the friends, and you’ll make it either as a singer or writer, or both. I made demos on a regular basis and put them on cassette tapes and mailed, and mailed. I called and called. I could never pull the trigger and make the move though. My thirties and then my forties came and went. There was no “The Voice” It was way before “American Idol” Long before computers, digital age, and the like. “You will never make it if you ain’t here, they’ll think you aren’t committed… ” Turns out they were right.

I was committed to my family. My wife and my kids. The time I spent chasing that unreachable dream of mine is time I lost with them. That’s a regret.

You know why there are so few celebrities who are truly happy in their personal lives? It’s because the climb to where they are has taken all of their energy and emotions. (Until the new age now of the show winning instant celebrities….many of whom are soundly resented by the old timers who came up the “hard way” and paid their dues)

I don’t regret anything about where I am, or what I’m doing now. It’s where I want and need to be. Anyways…..after I win that 800 million dollar lottery, I’ll buy my own record company. Count on it.

The first cup of coffee in the morning is a wonder. I may have one more during the day…but the aroma, the warmth, the taste of that first cup, is marvelous. Such a simple thing.

On days when the Grandbabies run in and down our long hallway, hollering “papa..nana” my heart soars with my love for them, for all my family. For my friends. Such a simple thing.

I love reading a good book, watching a good movie. I like cornbread, beans, and taters which I cook myself, better than 99% of restaurant food. I like clothes made out of cotton. Simple things.

I like looking at the bright stars on a dark, dark night. Sometimes I go to the local cemetery when there is a meteor shower, cause it’s the darkest place in town and the people there don’t ever ask for a thing but respect.

I love all kinds music, and when I’m not playing it I have my own radio “in my head” I can’t ever remember a time when there was no music. I cut my teeth on Patsy Cline and Hank Williams. Simple stuff

I love a walk in the spring and the fall around my tiny little town. The familiar houses, the streets..they are comforting. It’s home, even with it’s warts and scars I still love it…I love the smell of the cloth being finished at the cotton mill, and the grassy, oniony smell from the first spring cutting off the little league fields. The same ones I played on are still there, the old dam and the spillway still the same. I miss the old school, and how I used to go around the grammar school during the school year with a pocket full of change and hide it in the trees, and under rocks, and in the bushes where the little first through third graders would find it.

I love sunsets and sunrises and funny shaped clouds. All simple things, all mostly free things as the majority of good things are in life. I guess what I’m trying to say, is simply…I love life. I hope you do too.

And So It Begins.

Christmas has come and gone and a new year has arrived. It was just this morning that I was wondering when the “little break” we have been getting from the “troubles of the country and the world” would be over. Although these things have been kind of “playing in the background” as the holidays passed, it must have officially come to an end today. The “news media” gets it going and spins it first this way and then the other. The “talk shows” then grab it. They get the most polarized people on the planet from “both sides” on their shows and they go at it. Social media has started full time again with the “hate memes” coming from “both sides” and the even uglier comments buried within the comment sections on these posts. Civil discourse sometimes seems to be a thing of the past, although I must admit I know of several friends I have who choose to discuss things rather than “cuss” them. In any case, I intend to keep on keeping on without going “there” as long as I can. Everything is always going to be gray. There are no absolutes. I think I’m just going to take the advice of that brainy song writer Taylor Swift:

“It’s like I got this music

In my mind, saying it’s gonna be alright

Cause the players gonna play, play, play

And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate

Baby I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake

Shake it off

Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break

And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake

Baby I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake

Shake it off, Shake it off”

Excuse me now while I go dance.

Don’t underestimate the gift of the light with which we were created.

It can be bright enough to totally illuminate our lives, and the lives of others with whom we come in touch, if we allow it to shine.

It is the most powerful tool against the darkness which attempts to repress our happiness and balance.

It is the one thing which connects not only humanity, but all life.

We are all star dust, combined intricately with….

The light of love.

“When you’re weary, feeling small….when tears are in your eyes, I’ll dry them all.” “I’m on your side…”

It’s important to remember, who’s on your side. Because in this life you must choose a side.

Bridge Over Troubled Waters, by Simon and Garfunkel was the first song I heard on the radio back in 1970 as I was driving home from the hospital after my daughter died. It has both haunted and encouraged me for well over forty years now, most especially that one line: “when you need a friend, I’m sailing right behind,”

…. and I have these days when I have done nothing to be a friend, or very little, but in some odd coincidence I hear this song on the radio driving home from dropping off a very wonderful little baby, and I’m encouraged that tomorrow will be a good day.

Remember I’m on your side, and I’m sailing right behind.