Redemption

Once, when I was a four year old child, I rode my tricycle down the red brick front steps of our old mill house on fifth street in Trion.  The tricycle flipped over and my forehead hit the edge of those red brick steps and they became even more red with my blood spilling out from the newly formed gash on my body.  I think I was temporarily unconscious, but then I remember the curtain of my own blood running down over my eyes.

I could have laid there and bled to death.  But then my Dad came out and lifted me up and took me to the Doctor, who put eight stitches in my head.  The scar is still there to remind me that when you are down and cannot help yourself, you had better hope there is someone else around who CAN help you.  My Daddy lifted me up many more times, both literally and figuratively.

When I was bullied and belittled in school because of my appearance and my shyness, there were some very wonderful and dedicated teachers who believed in me, and gave me a chance to do things I could not have otherwise done.  A chance to sing.  A chance to write, a chance to believe in myself as a person.  They lifted me up.

There were faithful and wonderful classmates who were and are like brothers and sisters to me.  Beautiful friends, who have lasted a lifetime.

As an awkward college freshman I met a young girl, only 18 years old, with whom I started to hang around and tease, then date, then fall in love and marry.  She has lifted me up many, many times during the last 48 years.  What would I do without her?

I have met perfect strangers over the years who have become fast friends.  Many of them are encourager’s.  They have positive attitudes and smiles on their faces.  I envy them, because many days I cannot be that way.  Some days are partly cloudy to cloudy with storms.  More of them than I would like to admit.

My children and grandchildren have lifted me up.  They accept me for who I am, and look over many of my faults.  They help me to survive this life for which I feel many times very unsuited.

Yet, I am who I am, and that fact cannot be changed.  I am what I was “programmed” to be during the first year of my life.

I have tried my best over the years to be someone who would treat others like the golden rule says to treat them.  I have lost promotions, and in some cases jobs because I would not treat other people as objects to be used up and discarded.  I think it was the right thing to do.

I have given cash to homeless people, beggars and probably some con men and women.  I hope that some of that money went for food and blankets.  As a matter of fact in some cases I just bought the food and blankets in the first place!  I think it was the right thing to do.

But, doing the right thing won’t get you anywhere most of the time.  Most of the time, it will get you right where I sit today.  Behind the screen of this little computer, wishing I had made some different turns sometimes.  Wishing I had gone down some of those “less traveled roads”

But, if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.

I don’t see any horses around here.  Not even a pony.

How then, can I find redemption?  Can I find it through religion or belief in a God and Creator?  Can I find it in the Bible, or the Koran?  The sayings of Confucius or Lao Tse?

I don’t think so.

Can I find it through science and the pursuit of technology and knowledge?  If I could have, I would already have I think.

I suppose my redemption can only come from what is inside of me.  Yet, I am still the same little child who rode his tricycle down the steps and busted his head wide open.  There hasn’t really been a whole lot of change, except for the passing of time.  Now, I must lift myself up, since my Dad is gone.  My parents both are gone.  Childhood is gone.  School years are gone.

Chances to ride the roads and see the sites are quickly slipping away as I sit behind this screen and type.  I should be out searching for redemption, but here I sit.  Redemption will only come when I am satisfied that I have done everything I can do for everyone I can do it for.  Is that sentence grammatically correct?  I don’t think so, but it fits.  It fits me like a glove.

I will never been satisfied, so I will never find a proper redemption.  All I can hope for now is peace, and I believe without absolute certainty that I will find that.